May 4, 2008
Empty Nest - What's That?
My daughter started college last fall. In August I packed her up and moved her to her new dorm. We were both very excited. She was full of anticipation for her new found freedom – it was a long summer. I was excited for her because I could remember what it was like being on the verge of adulthood – yet still having the safety net of home.
I returned home and as the weeks went by I was asked by all that knew me, as is natural, how is your daughter doing at college? I would reply, “oh, she absolutely loves it”. Then the inevitable question would come, almost sorrowfully, and how are you handling it?” Me, I would ask? Oh, fine – as long as she is happy I am happy.”
Eventually, getting the same sorrowful question over and over again, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, because I wasn’t moping around or depressed because my only child left the nest. I wasn’t reacting as many people expected me to – I was beginning to feel guilty. I questioned to myself, then eventually to my coach, is there something wrong with me – I am almost feeling guilty for not being sad that my daughter is at school. Does that make me a bad mom? Rather than then words like lonely, sad or depressed showing up for me the word that continually showed up for me was freedom. Okay, now I really feel guilty.
After my coaching session with my mentor coach, I was able to reconcile with my feelings. I am not a bad mother, in fact, if I take a look at what parenting is really all about, it is about providing our children with the skills and confidence to go out in the world with excitement and anticipation, with that definition I am an awesome mom. My daughter is able to go into this new stage of her life with anticipation, excitement and confidence. And I am able to go into this new stage of hers and my life with anticipation, excitement and confidence.
So how did we get here? First key point, by not making my daughter my entire life; yes, she was the main focus of my life while she was growing up. I devoted a great many hours of my life to being with her, doing things with her and for her. I made sure that I was available for all the main events in her life and even went as far as coaching her cheerleading squad for four years so I would be close to her and get to know her friends. But, with her encouragement/permission, I also pursued things outside of her world. I set up a life that supported me, in essence modeled for her what it is like to be true to yourself, using the gifts that God gave you. I like to believe that I am partially responsible for the strong, independent and confident person she has become today.
I truly believe that if I hadn’t been a bit selfish, developing interests outside of being her mom, I would have crippled her, making her be the center of my universe. In so doing, would have ruined any opportunity for her to celebrate this stage in hers and my life.
So in answer to the question, Empty-Nest – What’s That? I would respond - I have no idea. Or maybe a better answer is an opportunity to celebrate this new stage in mine and my daughter’s life. If you are struggling with empty-nest syndrome I encourage you to take this opportunity to explore new opportunities, try new things; take that class you always wanted to but didn’t have the time, learn how to dance, take that art class or whatever it is that interests you. Don’t make your children be the center of your universe, they have enough pressure just transitioning from childhood to adulthood - don’t give them the added pressure of completing you. Step out of your fear and into the world of possibility. You will be glad you did and your children will thank you for it.
Need some help changing your perspective on the empty-nest syndrome – need support taking that first step outside your comfort zone? Contact me for a sample coaching session.
