December 27, 2007
Are you Alone or Lonely?
Which word can you identify with? Do you feel lonely because you are not in a relationship right now, whether it is because of a break up, divorce or death? Or are you embracing your singlehood and enjoying your alone time?
Dr. Bruce Fisher author of Rebuilding when your Relationship Ends outlines three stages of loneliness withdrawal, becoming busyholics and aloneness.
When a relationship ends your world can be turned upside. Life as you have known it has come to an end. When this happens many of us go into survival mode and withdraw. Withdrawal is so much easier than facing each day without your spouse or significant other. If you barricade yourself in your home or apartment then you don’t have to face the awkward questions. For me the awkward questions were the worst, personally it took three months before I told anyone that my husband and I separated. Maybe this stage should be called denial instead of withdrawal. Withdrawing will work for a limited time, but before you know it the silence becomes deafening. It almost seems like the silence is mocking you, reinforcing that your relationship is over.
The silence will push many of us forward toward the next stage becoming busyholics. The silence is so deafening that you want to wipe it away and the only way you can do that is to fill your days so full that you have no time alone, to hear the deafening silence. If you are so busy by the time you get home or stop to rest you are so exhausted you immediately fall asleep to start the circus anew the next day. By keeping so busy you don’t have the time to really assess your feelings and the pain and anguish are not real. Or at least that is what you are trying to make yourself believe. I was a victim of this stage, I filled my calendar so full making sure that I never had to be home alone, so I wouldn’t have to face those scary feelings. Many people stay stuck in this stage because the next stage is way too scary; aloneness. You know these people, the ones that carry around the “victim”, “bitterness” or “revenge” badge. The ones who still talk negatively about their ex and when you ask how long ago the relationship ended, thinking it was just yesterday, they reply “oh it’s been about ten years now”. Talk about being stuck!
Many are afraid of this stage because the aloneness stage requires you to really feel. You begin to grieve the lost relationship and the pain and anguish become real. You are finally forced to face reality, the relationship is over, he or she is not coming back. This stage is where all of the healing occurs, if you let it. From this stage the foundation for your future is built. The key to successfully navigating through this stage is your willingness to experience the pain and grieve the loss of the relationship.
If you don’t face the pain, feel it and work through it, then you will be plagued throughout your life with glimpses of the pain that you never resolved. The pain will help you stay stuck in a place that is not emotionally healthy for you or your family. I understand how easy it can be to push the pain away each time you get close to it, but if you keep pushing till you get to the other side chances are the issue that is causing you the pain will be resolved to never interfere in your life again. The problem is that many of us will stop when the pain starts to get raw. When we get to this place we stop and run the other way. By not resolving the pain or the issue that caused the pain it will continue to show up again and again reminding you that you have not dealt with it. So my advice to you is to feel the pain, even if it gets really bad, so you only have to go through the experience one time. The joy that you will eventually feel on the other side of the pain is definitely worth the work. Keep on pushing, ask for support from others if it gets to be too much, but don’t give up on yourself. You are worth it. Give yourself the gift of happiness!
In my opinion the aloneness stage is the most important stage. This is the stage, if you give it a chance, where you will learn the most about yourself. From here you can begin to map out your future, design a life of your choosing. If you embrace this stage, learn and grow from it you will be in charge of your destiny not your destiny being in charge of you. And if another relationship is in your future, you will have gained the tools you need to attract the “right” partner into your life.
If you are ready to turn your loneliness into aloneness then take the first step by contacting me for a sample coaching session.
